Beeware

The human body is an incredible thing when it comes to adapting to life threatening situations. This afternoon I was buzzed by a particularly large bee on the way home, it was pretty much a dirty tennis ball with wings and a drawn on face full of hell, someone clearly got out of the wrong side of the hive this morning.

My body instantly went into self defence and I found myself making involuntary ducking motions as if shadow boxing a spazaming ghost whist simultaneously managing to activate a special fit like wiggle throughout the rest of my body, demonstrating some sort of ancient tribal ritual in the centre of Newcastle, at one point I thought some onlooking Charvs were going to pop over with their “Ghetto blaster” and ask me to stick a donk on it, so impressive were the shapes I was throwing at my insect assailent.

Accompanying my groundbreaking street dance I also attacked the bee by blowing at it, hard, like a fat super girl trying to blow out an inferno, the bee at this point just seemed to be happy that I was cooling it off and enjoyed the breeze being spat out from my fat and terrified face, it did nothing to harm it other than give it a yellow and black quiff which I’m sure the rest of the bee’s would be well jealous of.

Fortunately I managed to stagger away like an outcast from the ministry of silly walks, whilst the rest of Newcastle I can only assume looked on at me thinking I was the Bee’s Knee’s. Yep, all kinds of cool honey.

Bee safe everyone. It could happen to anyone.

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