So tonight was the first “Gym Session”
I started with the rowing machine.
Slowly sitting into position on the incredibly uncomfortable seat and grabbing the handles on the stupidly tight pully cord thing, I wasted no time and the “rowing” motion began.
The first lunge forward sent my now scrunched and bulbous belly rolling up my body until my stomach was in my neck, so I now resembled some sort of male exotic bird puffing up it’s chest, but instead of a plethora of impressive feathers on display there was a stack of lard tires that threatened to tumble back down at any moment, like some sort of shit game of jelly Jenga. I pulled back with all my strength and my belly was released from my neck, I swear I heard it say “Thank fuck for that” as it collapsed back to what seemed like my feet, I imagined the same kind of gushing release that you would get if you were to slice open a waterbed that was filled with custard.
Pretty soon I was in full stride and as I lurched back and forwards my belly continued to traverse the length of my body, up, and down, just like one of those fair ground rides where people sit in a circle around the big pole and it shoots up and down, my organs “ooooing and ahhhhhing” as they were raised and dropped.
Next up, the exercise bike.
First up, this thing was higher than I thought, I swung my leg over like John Wayne mounting a fuck off giraffe and sat down with far too much force so that my arse all but swallowed up the seat, after checking i didn’t need to retrieve the seat from my now ruptured colon, I slid my feet into the plastic stirrup things on the pedals.
I started peddling, at first this seemed ok, I looked at the clock and thought, “Twenty minutes” I can do this. I went for it, it wasn’t long before i could feel my heart beating in my eyeballs. I looked up thinking I’d been going a good ten minutes – three minutes had past. This wasn’t the first time i felt like i’d been going much longer than a couple of minutes in an act of physical exertion. I pushed on as long as i could but decided I’d have to have a breather half way through. Then as if I wasn’t already having a miserable enough time, just as I was slowing down to dismount I spotted on the garage floor under me an extremely unwelcome guest, spider…
To say I’m not a fan of spiders goes in the same box of understatements as me saying I don’t like salads. I took a double take to check it was in fact the horror to which i thought, but there was no doubt, an eight legged intruder was directly underneath me. It was at this point I did something rather worrying, I peddled faster, for some reason, just for a moment I thought by doing so I could get away from it. In those ten seconds I probably got more speed up on the bike than i had in my whole ten minute exercise marathon, the spider stayed where it was, it didn’t gain on me, but I didn’t put any space between us, we were even in the pursuit. I soon realised i wasn’t going anywhere, and nor did it seem was the spider, I imagined it had just popped out to see what was going on and was now laughing it’s eight spider tits off at the sight of me and my Olympic efforts, I’d be the laughing stock down at the Queens Web later on when him and his mates we’re enjoying eight pints.
Eventually the spider got bored of waiting for me to have a stroke and moved on. I took this opportunity to call it a day on the bike and moved onto the weights.
I lay down on the bench. I totally nailed this part, in fact I may have just found my sport. I grabbed the bar and built myself up mentally, taking deep breaths, I counted in to the first lift, one, two, three, lift…Nothing. It wouldn’t move. Surely they weren’t that heavy. Fortunately for me it wasn’t that I was much weaker than i thought, apparently there are “safety clamps” that stop the weights from rolling off. I released these and attempted again, it wasn’t much easier. I was on about lift three when I started making noises I didn’t know i could make, I persevered, my cheeks exploding with every lift in a gibbering slavering explosion of exhaled strain, anyone passing by must have thought there was a man fucking a seal in his garage.
Luckily for me my allocated half hour in the gym that I promised myself I’d do was finally up. To be honest I’ve probably burnt more calories typing the whole thing up than i actually did in there, and let’s face It the only thing that’s ever likely to be totally ripped on me are my pants, but it’s a start. The plan is to do this every night this week. Let’s see how I go. Right now I’m off to meet a few spiders for some drinks and eight kebabs.