Recipe – Beans on toast.

This is beans, in a tomato sauce, served on a bed of toasted bread.

Firstly, buy some beans, there are many own brand beans but most of them taste like shite. I always go for Heinz.

Once you get home, it’s time to start preparing your meal, it should go without saying that attempting to prepare beans on the bus home will most likely be frowned upon and you could be at risk of bean thrown off the bus as well as risking incurring some small feinz.

Most modern cans will have a ring pull on them, however, if you’ve been at the bargain baskets in your local corner shop you may find you need a tin opener. It’s also probably worth checking the date on the can, if your can of beans is a special edition celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ it might be an idea not to be such a tight bastard and get yourself a new can off the shelf.

Pull the ringpull upwards to open your can, again if your can is an older one and you are using one of those cheap silver tin openers, you may find you need to reattach your severed fingers or attend a month long course of physiotherapy to mend your torn tendons.

With your can open, get yourself a pan on the oven. I find electric ovens work best. Gas ovens can often see yourself turning on the gas and spending a life threatening 30 minutes pressing the ignite button only to be greeted with an unsuccessful clicking noise but no flame, if this happens I find it best just to continue to fill the the house with dangerous levels of gas and continue to press the button for a good hour, rather than just getting a match and saving yourself the risk of a Hiroshima style barbeque. Indeed, had my previous oven been a helium oven, I’d now be living the rest of my life talking like the love child of the Lisa simpson and Grandpa Smurf, all for the sake of a match.

With the pan ready on your oven, gently pour your magnificent beans into the pan. It wont take long for the beans to start to heat, it’s important to stir the beans regularly.

A wooden spoon is recommended, however if you use a regular spoon, you deserve the inevitable searing fuckpig of a spoon handle blister your will receive after thinking it’s ok to heat a metal object in a pan for ten minutes and then try to pick it up.

Now comes the multi tasking, with your beans heating it’s time to get the toast on the go. I come from quite a well to do family so we have an electric toaster. It’s one of those new ones where it actually has a setting to burn your toast. I can only assume it’s designed for artists who like to sketch with as well as eat their breakfast/lunch.

SPECIAL TIP: A top tip, unless your butter is of the “spreadable” variety it is best to take it out of the fridge to allow time for it to soften to a spreadable consistency, for example, for a block of Lurpak in the silver foil packing- I find it’s best to take it out of the fridge approximately seven years before you intend to use it. Failure to do this will result in you angrilly shredding your toast with hard chunks of butter, tearing great holes in them and even shattering your plate as you refuse to admit defeat, leaving your toast unrecognisable and not entirely appealing to look at.

You should now be ready to serve your meal. With your toast on the plate get your beans and drizzle them over your bed of toasted bread. It’s best not to swamp your plate as things can get a little mushy.

If you have beans left over, it is highly recommended you put them back in the can and put them in the fridge, you are guaranteed to have one family member who will take great pleasure in announcing you shouldnt store beans in a can in the fridge as it’s “dangerous” . It’s a well known fact that the mass extinction of the dinosaurs, the birth of Hitler and the assasination of JFK was actually the result of someone storing beans in an open can in the fridge. If they insist on you doing this, find the largest pyrex casserole dish you can find and put the remaining 12 beans in this and into the fridge, just to give them something else to piss and moan about later on.

You are now ready to enjoy your beans in tomato sauce served on a bed of toasted bread, your hard work has finally paid off.

One last tip is whilst you are eating your meal, ensure that your spill some of the beans on your top. This will absolutely guarantee that when you pop to the shops later on and forget about this you will be certain to bump into someone you really fancy, or an ex girlfriend, who upon seeing your tramp like bean juice stained attire will leave her feeling comforted in the knowledge that you are indeed a scruffy cunt and she was right to leave you.

Bon apa tit.

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