Gone with the wind

An apology to the residents of my estate.

I must apologise for the sight to which many of the residents of my estate were witness to this afternoon.

Today being a warm day I decided to wear a “Nice light loose shirt”, this being somewhat of an occasion as normally my shirts are put on by me standing on top of a maypole while dancers kindly wrap the material around me whilst the use of buttons has to be be cleared by the local armed forces due to the buttons posing a threat to the safety of the general public such is their incredible strain and pending ejection when they are “loaded”.

Tonight whilst bringing the food shopping in from the car (You can imagine there was fucking loads), there was an unfortunate and surprise gust of wind. Said wind was at such a direction as to lift up my shirt and inflate like a billowing sail, I did in fact lurch forward carried by the belly wind, whilst the entire estate was engulfed in a blinding and incredible light such is was the brilliant whiteness of my bulbous kite.

The shirt lifted, and the sun was reflected in all directions in the great reveal, neighbours rushed to close their curtains, ships changed direction, grass wilted and a family of vampires died, it even made a mole squint. I tried desperately to pull my shirt down but it remained pinned up revealing all, it was like that infamous Marilyn Monroe scene where her skirt lifted up, except this was more Marilyn Manson trying to pull a bed sheet over an albino space hopper.

I can only apologise and promise to wear my usual brand of airtight titan garments going forward. I’ll start by filling out this one I’m wearing, just to stop it happening again, man of the community that I am.

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